The following takes place between one a.m. and two a.m.

While watching an episode of “24” last night. Season 3.

D2bH: I should have been an Arms Dealer.

He: What?

I should have been an Arms Dealer. Being a Secretary is so boring. Don’t you think being an Arms Dealer sounds exciting?

Mmmm.

I mean look at the perks. Armani suits, glistening white teeth, your own lear jet, metal brief cases with secret compartments, driving in a Hummer.

Disposable cell phones. Did you see him crush that $500 cell phone with his foot like it was a used cigarette? Dammit, I had to give my $50 cell phone to Zeenee cause I never charged it and you thought I didn’t need it anymore…man, a cell phone that you could just crush…like a bug…and no one would call you on that number anymore…that’s freedom baby.

Not to mention the big paydays…$100 million bucks a pop…I could buy me another cell phone again maybe.

Okay, it’s on again. You can’t go talking through the commercials, cause there are no commercials…this is on DVD you know.

I know…I hate DVD’s. Everytime we rent one they’re scratched and they skip…pee me off, we miss half the movie forwarding to a spot with no scratches. We never once had that happen with VHS. If I was an Arms Dealer I’d have only VHS in my lear jet. I’d revolutionize the way Arms Dealers watched movies the world over!

Dammit! I just missed what Jack said…will you stop talking?!

I think that baby that Chloe brought into CTU is bugged. You watch, that baby is gonna get on her cell phone and talk to the Arms Dealer when Kim walks away from that desk…then she’ll probably crush that cell phone like a bug…don’t leave any evidence there girl…it’ll probably be a nice cell phone too.

Vick! Can we just watch this?

Sorry! Just trying to make things better for us financially…

(The episode ends and Zeenee is on IM furiously typing to her friends)

Your mother wants to be an Arms Dealer. She wants to sell guns and bombs and spread viruses all over the world. What do you think of that?

Zeenee: Mmmm.Mmmm. (shrug)

When you put it like that you make it sound so sordid. You don’t have to be jealous…It’s not like I wouldn’t let you ride on my lear jet once in a while. I could pick you up from your boring job, we could quickly do a deal and then off to our hideout in Columbia for dinner. Man, 100 million dollars on a Monday…I wouldn’t have to work for at least another month! Of course I’d have to put some fuel in the jet…jet fuel isn’t cheap you know…then I could get another cell phone…search out some new leads on saleable arms.

You’d like to ride on my lear jet right Zeenee? I’d let you hold the metal breifcase.

(Zeenee shrugs…and feverishly types an SOS to her friends. “Help me, the ‘rents are at it again!”)

How does someone get started in the Arms Dealer business do you think?

I think first off you should have actually held a gun at least once in your life. Actually shooting one is probably a prerequisite. And I think you have to be able to identify different weapons. Growing up in Canada probably hasn’t helped you much in that department.

Like the difference between an AK47 and a Beretta?

Yeah, which is which Ms. Arms Dealer?

One of them is a handgun, I know that for sure.

(eyeroll)

I wonder if they have an apprenticeship program…

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I’m back with my family: 6 hours, 2 minutes

Laundry List: Arms Dealers don’t do laundry…or even take their own Armani suits to the cleaners.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. That was hilarious!

    Zeenee doesn’t know what she’s got…

  2. I know how you can make more money – become a comedienne! You won’t need much practice – I nearly peed my pants! lol

    Tara 🙂

  3. OMG. Ahahahaha!

  4. […] a tight black rubber suit.  I’m more of a kitchen dancer /slash/ marshal arts novice, I’ve never even held a gun and I prefer […]

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