The Parking Lot Massacre

Usually so confident, the woman felt uncomfortable due to the red minivan following so closely on her heels as she crossed the vast parking lot of the childrens’ hospital with her son that crisp November day. When she first stepped out onto the pavement she had noticed the frazzled-looking, redheaded woman at the wheel. She seemed to be mouthing vulgarities as her arms flailed wildly with obscene gestures. The van-woman frightened her, so as the vehicle followed her pace had picked up to the point that she eventually grabbed her son’s hand and jogged to their Lexus SUV at the far end of the parking lot. The parking spot was tight, so she carefully but quickly piled her son into the car and jumped in herself. Luckily, she had taken the time to back into the spot this morning when she arrived. This made her exit from the parking space expedient and the crazy van-woman was easily left behind…she was safe, save for her rapidly beating heart at the thought of their near-escape from tragedy…


  • the crazy van-woman had entered the parking lot at 10:15 a.m. and, at 10:45 a.m. had yet to find a place to park

  • the crazy van-woman had, upon entering the parking lot, taken a ticket from the machine therefore starting the clock ticking on the very-expensive-Vancouver-parking-prices

  • the crazy van-woman had driven around and around and around the vast parking lot for 25 minutes never finding a parking spot

  • the crazy van-woman didn’t want a George Costanza spot (translation: a good spot)

  • the crazy van-woman wanted ANY parking spot

  • the crazy van-woman had by this point missed eight chances to park by not being in the right place at the right time…therefore other people WHO HAD JUST ENTERED THE PARKING LOT took those available spaces

  • the crazy van-woman had yelled vulgarities at them all. with her windows closed. so only she heard them. thankfully her son in the back had headphones on. and only Homer Simpson on the DVD was poisoning his mind.

  • then the crazy van-woman hatched a plan. she would follow her victim from the front doors of the hospital to wherever they were parked. and take their space.

  • the crazy van-woman followed the lady with her son…who eventually got scared and ran to her vehicle.

  • the crazy van-woman did not want to steal her child. judging by his private school uniform she couldn’t afford him.

  • the crazy van-woman did not want to rob the Lexus SUV driving woman. she’s crazy, but not that crazy.

  • the crazy van-woman simply wanted to park.

  • the crazy van-woman should have parked at her house 35km away and walked.

  • the crazy van-woman paid more for parking that day than she paid for lunch!

(this happened yesterday to my friend, crazy van-woman, when she took her son Budgie to the childrens’ hospital for his specialist eye appointment. Budgie’s eyesight has progressed from 20/200 to 20/80. This was good news for the crazy van-woman and her husband.)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I’m back with my family: 41 minutes

Laundry List: lots of loads are parked beside the washing machine

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: “I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!”

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One response to this post.

  1. so you are a parking lot stalker!! ha!!!

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