Zeenee said I was hyper in the van this morning. “Mom, did you take drugs this morning, cause you’re really hyper” were her exact words. “No, I had a bite of banana” I replied. “Just one bite?” she said, “Because most monkeys are calmer than you.” (thank you, thank you. She gets her comedic nature from her mother’s side of the family)

Actually, the entire conversation was quite amusing and, seeing as you have nothing better to do than read my drivel over here, I’ll recap it as best I remember:

As we’re walking out to the van we notice animal scat in front of my Mom’s car. We ponder the species of animal that left such a pile…raccoon? coyote? bear? elephant?…No, too big to be raccoon or coyote…bear? elephant? We come to an executive decision that our street has been visited by a bear in the night (the elephant would have left footprints in the butter) and I tell her to look out for the offender cause it’s still dark…he could jump out from behind a tree and open his trenchcoat at any moment. We make it to inner sanctum of the minivan (safe, phew!) and drive up to Nita’s house to pick her up.

Me: There it is!!! Oh wait, it’s just a stop sign. Bear! No, stop sign again. Black bear! Wait, it’s just a guy wearing black.

Z: Okay, enough. It’s only funny once.

Me: Oh My God! Bear! No, just a truck.

Z: Ha, ha…you’re really loud in the morning.

We pull into Nita’s driveway and wait and wait for her to come out.


Z: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Nobody can hear me…we’re in the van.

Zeenee gets out to go and get Nita. Shuts door.


Z: (nods yes, goes red, puts finger to lips)

(Wow, this van isn’t very soundproof…maybe people can hear it when I crank Milli-Vanilli on the stereo…phew, good job everyone thinks I’m soooo cool)

Zeenee and Nita get in the van and we drive to school.

Z: My Mom is hyper today.

Nita: (laughs)

Me: I’m not the one who pretends to be a dog and barks at the window at strange boys.

Z: He’s not a strange boy. He’s Adam. And I only barked at him once…

Me: last week…

Z: Well, I thought it was funny. I bark really well. I really sounded like a dog.

Me: Boys aren’t gonna want to date you if you bark like a dog at the window.

Z: Ew! Who’d want to date Adam anyways. He’s gross!

Me: He might have cute friends who would reconsider asking you for a date if he told them about the barking.

Z: He doesn’t. Anyways, he goes to the other high school now. Who wants to date anyone from Riverwood?

Me: Yeah, you should definately stick to your own kind. We wouldn’t want to mix the poodles with the pit bulls.

Z: You never know…some guy might like the two-in-one kind of girl I am. A girlfriend and a loyal companion.

Me: True. And it IS hilarious when you do that barking thing…

We pull into the school driveway…

Me: Have a good day girls. I love you Z. Remember, to prevent Meningitis, don’t share your crack pipe with others! (we read this once in a pamphlet about Meningitis and nearly peed our pants laughing. it has been a running joke since…and Zeenee has made sure to NEVER share her crackpipe…”I bought it for you! Let the other mothers pay for their children’s accessories.”)

Z: I know Mom. You tell me that all the time. I won’t share it. Thanks for the ride.

Nita: Thanks for the ride Mrs. D2bH.


(Zeenee hangs her head and runs in the door…)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I’m back with my family: 6 hours, 3 minutes

Laundry List: There’s lots of it barking at me from the laundry-room…you know what they say…”Feed a dog once, he’s loyal for life”…”Feed the laundry a fish…”


2 responses to this post.

  1. Great dialogue! I can’t wait until I can joke with my daughter about crack.

    (wait, that didn’t come out right…)

  2. Love the school dropoff- I am the master of embarrassing comments..i live for it!!!–>

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