Our Customers Will Line Up For The Bling

My brother Ivan first discovered he had Diabetes by fainting in front of a customer while showing him around the machine shop. When he came back from the doctor’s office that same day, my Dad had made a masking tape outline of Ivan’s body on the floor of the shop exactly where he’d fallen, just like they do on TV at the scene of a murder. I tell you this to illustrate where I got my stupid sense of humour. My father is the culprit. He raised us on funny.

Ivan is psyched about this new Waterjet machine we’re getting at the shop (the first of three giant pieces was delivered today…ETA on setup – two weeks). Whatever you need, he is convinced that his new toy will be able to make it. And his new toy will make it bigger and better and prettier and more unique than you could ever conceive it to be. We need a sign for the new shop. “You wait until my Waterjet gets here. I’ll make us a sign. Customers will rave about our sign. They’ll be lining up to get a sign like our sign!” The carpet in the new office is kind of grubby. “We don’t need new carpet. I’m gonna put ceramic tile in this office. And I’m gonna cut our logo out of tile on my new Waterjet. Customers will rave about our tiles. They’ll be lining up to get tiles cut like our tiles!” He has so many plans for this new machine that I’m getting the feeling that our customers will be lining up for a very long time…to wait for their turn. He has a lot of plans to make stuff on his new machine that will not generate INCOME. Therefore, I was not surprised that the following conversation transpired the way it did the other night:

Vicky: Ivan, we need a wedge to keep that door open from the office to the shop. Could you cut me a piece of wood to shove under the door?

Ivan: “Pffft! I’m not cutting you a wedge out of wood. That’s lame! When my Waterjet gets here I’m gonna cut you a beautiful door stop out of TITANIUM! It’s gonna be so awesome…I’ll even put a butterfly on the end of it. It’ll be all etched out of the TITANIUM and, man, that will be sooooo cool. Customers will rave about our door wedge. They’ll be lining up to get a door wedge like our door wedge!”

Vicky: Uhm yeah. You don’t think you’re taking all this Waterjet stuff a little far do you? Please, if you could just cut me a wedge out of WOOD I would appreciate it.”

I then proceeded to bug him about the wedge for the rest of the evening, bringing it up in various conversations and cackling like the bitchy, older sister that I am. I would not let it go and it got to where you just knew that he was wishing he’d never said a word and just silently obeyed and cut the damned piece of wood like I asked.

So, he turned 32 today and this is what I made him for his birthday:

I got my Dad to cut me a piece of WOOD…out of WOOD…not TITANIUM and I painted it blue.

Then I made sure to add lots of bling…

And of course, a butterfly on the end…

Eek! Who are those young people getting married in that picture behind the wedge? And what is she wearing? Is that a maternity wedding dress? For shame, for shame. And what is on that guy’s head? Does he have a perm? For shame, for shame.


3 responses to this post.

  1. Your family rules.

    GREAT door wedge. I mean, if I were to be in teh market for a new door wedge, that’d be the one I’d wants.

  2. ROTFLOL – I love this! You have such a wicked sense of humor. Isn’t being an older, bitchy, sister cool?

  3. If men could only do what they dream. What would this world be like? EEK!

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