Infrequently Asked Questions

(cause none of my four readers ever actually asks these questions, but I’m forcing answers upon you in order to clear my own head. Okay MIL actually does ask when I’m going to post again. So these are the questions the other three of you never really asked.)

What did you do this weekend?

Thanks for asking! I had quite the interesting weekend actually. On Thursday night my sister-in-law mysteriously stuck around at our house after Weight Watchers to hang out and watch TV. It didn’t seem mysterious at the time, but now that I think about it…hmmm, maybe she doesn’t actually like my company as much as she let on that night (ha, ha, of course she does. Who doesn’t? Seriously, show yourself!). Anyways, about 9:30 the doorbell rings and my Dad gets it. He calls to my Mom that her anniversary present is here and I hear her squeal. You know that squeal, the one that sounds like oh-my-god-the-best-thing-just-happened-and-it’s-so-cute-like-a-new-puppy squeal? That’s the one. She calls down to me to come quick and see her surprise, so I go running upstairs thinking “we got a new puppy! Yaa, what I always wanted!” Turns out to be my brother, Freddy Fortine, from Kingston, Ontario who just got home from Afghanistan a month ago. My Dad and other brother manufactured this surprise for my Mom and got him to come out and visit for the weekend. Which, yaa! They also tried to get him to bring his new girlfriend, but she couldn’t get away from work. And did you know I was actually glad about that, because if they’d have dared to spring this new person upon my house without me knowing about it I would have been devastated. Have you seen my house on a weekday? No. Because I would never let you in on a weekday. There should be quarantine tape around my house during the week, because I have about as much time to clean it on weeknights as I do to look after a new puppy. Which I didn’t get as a surprise, but seeing my brother was just as good (I’m just saying that puppys are nice too. Don’t get all defensive like that). Anyways, that’s why my SIL stayed late. She knew about the surprise! In fact everyone knew about the surprise except my Mom and me (and the kids of course because they could never keep that kind of a secret). I felt like Pheobe being the last one to find out about Chandler being bitten by the peacock at the zoo.

Friday was spent in the emergency room with Cheap Bastard. He’s fine now thanks, but I was quite worried about him for a while. He’s pretty upset about it still, but I think it’s more about the fact that he and my brothers were supposed to rent a speed boat that day and instead he found himself being poked and made to wait and prodded and made to wait and x-rayed and made to wait. I called in absent to work and waited it out with him…and read most of my book in the meantime…so there’s that for positives.

Saturday my Dad and brother treated all the adults in the family to a dinner cruise. I threw up. The End.

Sunday we said goodbye to Freddy, who had to get back to his job of killing innocent paper targets (or whatever they actually do in the Canadian Army. Riding in helicopters that regularly fall out of the sky? Eating donuts and talking hockey? Drinking beer and watching peep shows? Freddy says it’s all classified information).

Why won’t you elaborate on the boat cruise?

Because it’s just embarassing that I can’t ever get on a large boat without losing first my equilibrium, then my stomach and finally my pride. I couldn’t eat the beautiful food that was put in front of me. In fact, I’m willing to bet that I will never be able to smell salmon again without feeling like I need to vomit. I couldn’t even enjoy the drama of the cruise ship down the straight that was on fire. With real smoke and everything. The captain said we might be called out to help with rescue efforts (because I guess all boats in the vacinity are responsible for rescue efforts? Not sure I fathomed that right, but I’m a prairie girl by upbringing, so the rules of the sea are not my specialty. Might explain my stomach’s aversion to all things nautical eh?) and all I could think about was how much longer I would be stuck on this floating nightmare if we had to do that.

Were there ANY highlights from the boat cruise?

There was that thing where Freddy presented my parents with an all expenses paid cruise through the Carribean. My Mom looked like she had won the big bonus on the Price is Right. That was a good moment. Then I ran down to the underbelly of the ship (galley?) and threw up again.

Okay, let’s get away from this boat cruise thing. Why haven’t you been posting here much?

Indifference? Yes, let’s go with that. Or procrastination? Definately procrastination….and indifference. I think of great posts when I’m either on the toilet (ew!) or driving. Since I can neither post when I’m on the road or on the pooper, my fantastic, brilliant, awe inspiring thoughts drift outta my brain and into the atmosphere…where they climb ever higher and higher until they reach blog heaven. These thoughts are then stolen by the angels for use in their popular celestial blogs, for example “Wind Beneath My Wings” and “True Halo Confessions”. Seriously though, when I sit down at the computer to write these days I have NOTHING. And my blog? I go back and forth between being sad and down enough to press the DELETE THIS BLOG button and totally euphoric because someone was kind enough to email and tell me how much they like what I write (Thank you to everyone who’s done that. You make my day every time!). Right now I’m contemplating a name change because I’m not really feeling the “Desperate to be a Housewife” vibe anymore. I’m never going to be a SAHM. I work. I will always have to work. I’m coming to terms with that. I have to try to be happy with that. I need a new name for my blog (not to mention a Typepad platform, so that I can leave Blogger behind). One that describes me in the now. Not what I wish, but what I am. Suggestions are welcome. I’m rolling “MomFreak” around right now.

Speaking of working, have you started working for your Dad’s company yet?

No. Plans are for me to take over the position on or around November 15th. The girl who I’m doing payroll for here comes back from her operation then and I hope to not have to train anybody new before I leave (so I’ll be handing in my notice an hour before I pack my desk). She can just come back from her bedrest and take over her old job and I can go skipping along on my merry way. I do have a new desk at the shop though! And a new red pencil cup! Which goes to show that if you whine to your brother enough about not having a desk and what am I gonna sit at in three months and where oh where will I store my pencils — he will take you to IKEA and buy you a beautiful beech and chrome desk and a red pencil cup (with a garbage bin to match!). Now that that’s been taken care of you can start bitching about not having a computer.

Why are your posts all over the map?

They’re that bad eh? I’m not even drunk.

Time until I’m back with my family: 1 hour, 27 minutes

Laundry List: Buy self a surprise puppy. Don’t tell self what kind. It’s a surprise.


3 responses to this post.

  1. You can NOT delete this blog. I know I’ve been scarce for a while but I still read whenever I can and you always put a smile on my face. So don’t even think about it.

    Not that I know a lot about boats because I also get seasick and have found myself hanging out the back end wishing for death as my long hair trailed through the water, but I do believe that all boats are required to assist in safety efforts if something goes wrong. Unfortunately, that didn’t work so well for the Titanic. But I digress.

    Hope CB is okay. I know what it’s like – hubby’s been having his own health issues lately. Not fun.

  2. Hey, maybe you could talk CB into buying you a “Scandisc” then you can talk your blog thoughts as you drive (it’s totally ok that the other drivers will think you’re losing it having a complete, ongoing conversation with yourself) and then just listen and type when you get to work. And….if you don’t have any blog thoughts, you can just talk to yourself anyhow! Keep writing, it is the essence of my day and what would I read with my after work tea?

  3. I like to read your blog. I am a deleter. No one wanted to know how I was and I deleted my boring self. But I do have you in my favorites and I enjoy reading what my life would be like if I wasn’t a SAHM. As for a new name? The Gum of the Family. I like it. 😉 You know like the gum that holds it all together? (Your a smart girl, you get it.)OK well keep blogging!

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