Symptoms of Early Menopause

Besides the fact that I haven’t had my period since mid-July, but have been bloated since August 21st (exit FIL stage right…”I uhm, have to go fiddle with something in the garage. Eep!”). I have managed to convince myself that I’m experiencing early menopause at the tender age of 34. Could it be? Will I soon be breaking it off with my evil boyfriend Tampax? Let’s review the symptoms shall we?

hot flushes and night sweats: Nope. None. But I’m the type of person that swaddles herself in 3 quilts and a duvet in her bed in the dead heat of summer. Just last night I again asked Cheap Bastard to please, please buy me some electric socks. My feet were freaking icicles and when I pushed my foot out of the blankets to stick it on his bare skin – so he could experience the liquid nitrogen that are my feet – I bashed my toe on the footboard of the bed. The foot shattered into a million ice fragments. And so I asked Cheap Bastard to please buy me an electric sock. Then I cried, cause it bloody hurt!

aches and pains: Yes, everywhere. But in my own defense, I have a daughter in GRADE TEN now. Please pass the Geritol and speak up Sonny, I can’t hear you!

crawling or itching sensations under the skin: I just scratched my arms raw…after reading that symptom. Kind of like when I rake the heck out of my hair when the kids bring home a notice titled “There’s Been A Lice Outbreak In The School” (danger!).

headaches: All the freaking live long day. Advil Liquigels are “my precious”.

vaginal dryness: Oh my virgin eyes! They do burn!

reduced sex drive (libido): I have three children. I did it three times (ask Bella – “Ew! You and Daddy did it THREE times! Gross!).

urinary frequency: Excuse me, I have to pee.

tiredness: What exactly does it feel like not to be tired?

irritability: This symptom pisses me off.

depression: I live with my parents. Thank you and goodnight.

sleeping difficulty: I only get up three to four times a night…from all the peeing.

lack of self esteem: Nobody’s really reading this list are they?

forgetfulness: What is this “Desperate to be a Housewife” blog thing? And why has it been abandoned for so long? Who is the owner of this lonely blog? He or she should be ashamed!

Time until I’m back with my family: 2 hours, 10 minutes

Laundry List: regular socks

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