The Happening wasn’t (happening, that is)

Dear M. Night Shamalamadingdong:

CHEESE AND CRACKERS boy, did you actually receive real cash money for making this piece of tripe? Really? Really, truly? Really, truly, sincerely? Well then, I would like to request that you to send me mine back.

I want my money back for the movie tickets. I want the $1.45/litre gas money I spent to get there. I want the funds returned for the 5000% marked-up popcorn and cokes I bought at the concession and the $1.59 Twizzlers purchased earlier in the day at Safeway and concealed in my handbag. I want to be paid for the time I wasted sitting and watching this monstrosity (I’ll settle for minimum wage, as no experience was necessary to watch this movie – gawd, did one even need to own the skill of breathing to fill the position? Shall we say $8.50 an hour?)

Say, M. Night? Why don’t you just send me your billing address, then I’ll just go about forwarding all of the expenses as they come along (ie: my therapist, my masseuse, my esthetician, my priest and my neighbour’s dog who I spoke to in an unkind way after bringing all of that disappointment home from the theatre…poor Rover’s gonna need therapy now, too).

Hey M? Can I call you M, because M. Night is so many letters to type. Hey M? You know what I really wanted the most? I WANTED MY FRICKING TWIST ENDING YOU DOUCHE! I could have totally stomached the bad acting and the terrible script and the swiss cheese plotline if only you had provided me with a classic M. Night Shamalamadingdong ala Sixth Sense, Signs and The Village twist ending. I racked my brain for the entire movie wondering how you were going to fool us at the end. At every overexageratted line (think: “Don’t you take her hand unless you mean it!”), I would think that’s going to have something to do with the twist ending. Alas, you left us hanging.

Send me my money.

Yours truly,

P.S. Hey, M. I think I know now why the trees were angry and were taking things out on the humans. It’s because their tree buddies were being cut down and made into paper upon which money was printed and then spent at theatres to watch your movie, by unsuspecting idiots like me.


Reviews I wish I’d taken the time to track down before I went to this movie last night can be found:


…and here

…aaaaand another one

…and littered all over the damned internet.


I’m loathe to ask. Did anyone else catch this flick?


2 responses to this post.

  1. I like Mark Wahlberg but this movie didn’t look very good.


  2. Posted by CanadianCarrie on June 18, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    Eww, his movies creep me out!! After the Village and the lady of the night(?) I watched my back for months, I am totally not kidding. Like afraid of the dark scared!! And visions of the red cloak…. OMG I hate even thinking about it…
    Ok, I’m done ranting…. that sucks you wasted all that $$ on a crappy movie, I’m sure our friend M would be happy to refund millions? thousands? of disappointed peoples $$, right?!


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